Anti-socialism

I am anti-social, I know this about myself. It took many years for me to figure it out. I don't trust easily and once given it can be rescinded like nobody's business. Hubby had to push and push and push me to get me to attend my first knitting group. Once I did I seemed to fit in pretty well and was hooked. It helped that I found my "sister from another mister" there. Yeah, hubby came up with that one. Funny guy isn't he? She has my sense of humor and tastes. Yeah it is scary.

But I do find me giving myself pep talks before I go. Some days it is very hard for me to be social. Sucks when one of these days happens on a knitting day. Do I drag myself out of the funk or allow it run its course?

Even worse, I hate attending events where I don't know anyone. Every once in a while I put on my brave face and go and stand in the corner. I am a wallflower, that is what I am. Unless I know you, then I will latch on to you and not let you go.

I don't make conversation, I don't understand small talk. I'm not even sure I like people. Can you tell I was not popular in high school? Or ever for that matter. The funny thing is I am OK with that. I've always had a special sense of who I am, and that person does not need other people to feel valid. I still can not figure out if that is a good thing or bad. I guess it is OK since I don't have agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house).

Who I am is who I am. At the end of the day I like me. But I still know I could always have more friends and that is something I really don't know how to do. I remember waiting for a friend outside of a knitting shop so we could go into knit night together. Going in by myself while waiting for her was not an option. If she had not shown, I know I would not have stayed. I might have gone in to shop for a moment but I know I could not be convinced to stay. I don't join in with out an honest invitation. When people invite me to do things I feel like they're just doing it to be polite, they don't really want me to join and throw off the group dynamic. I know that's not always true but it is how it feels to me most of the time.

Maybe it is because I know I am awkward. I know I don't fit. Maybe it is because I'm lazy and don't want to try. Maybe I don't want the world to know how crazy I really am.

I learned a very useful skill when I was in Tae kwon do. You were to do every move with force and confidence. It didn't matter if you realized you were wrong or did not know the next move, force and confidence. Not many people can tell right from wrong when done that way. If you look like you know what you're doing then you must know what you're doing. That is how I approach social situations now. I plaster a smile on my face and act like I know what I am doing. Poor D got to see how good I am at it when we had a trip to the ER one night. Outward I was calm, but once they took my blood pressure he knew how scared I was. I try to tell myself there is nothing to worry about till there is something to worry about. I english that means, we waste a lot of time worrying about things that might happen or could happen instead of dealing with what is happening.

So I am trying, I try to talk D's friends more, I'm lucky to be a member of a knitting group, I try to believe that people really do mean come join us when they say it and I'm actually making eye contact when we attend church, not just running for the door when the service is over.

Just remember the next time you're at a party and you notice the wallflower in the corner it could be me. Throw out a life line, it might be worth your time.