I have been racing to get done what needs to be done for my sweater class tonight. I needed a sleeve, the back and the right front. They were supposed to be washed and blocked. I did not make it. Two out of three is not bad but, I feel a bit like I failed an exam in school. But I know it is all in my head.
I know that the knitting police will not come and fine me for not finishing. My life is not any better or worse because I did not meet this deadline. But I am still a bit bummed about it.
However I can now admit to feeling less self imposed stress. I feel that I can rip back some of what I have done and do it correctly now. I think all the newness involved with this project hit me at one time and caused me to feel inadequate.
I don't like feeling inadequate! I know that I can knit this sweater and I know that I will love it when it is done. I know that I will feel extremely proud of it. But right now it just feels all wrong. I think I am knitting a size that will be too small for me. I had been fighting the thought since I started it, but was unwilling to admit it. On the bonus side I have an estimate on what yarn I used so far and think the odds of me running out now are not that great, even in a larger size. (Famous last words?)
I remember seeing a woman at Rhinebeck a few years back wearing a sweater that was several sizes too small for her. It was almost as if an adult tried to fit in a child's sweater. The front did not come past her sides and I think her arms were bowed back by the sleeves even. It was a beautiful cabled cardigan sweater. I am still sad thinking that she did not have friends to tell her how ridiculous it looked. I have a feeling that she was so proud of her work that she just could not send it away to the home it deserved. We all want to show off our work at festivals and our yarn shops, but someone needs to stand up and say "Oh honey, I know your proud but that is all wrong!"
I feel I must point out that this little introvert here is not willing to do that job either. Yes, I do know that I am a chicken. But I did have the nerve to say it to myself and that is why I am starting over. I can do it!
By the way I still totally recommend the class and will be using what I learned to finish this sweater and many more. I now have more skills in the knitting bag in my head and am ready to start applying them.