As you know I'm a very private and insecure person, you're shocked I know. Well tonight I went to my first choir practice to actually sing at. Poof there goes my cocoon of comfort, first I'm out of the house on a week night and second I'm singing in public. I'm trying hard to be someone I'm not and this stage sucks so very much.
One of my control methods is very counter intuitive. I control by making someone else control the situation. Here is an example, whenever we go to a new church related event I make D take the lead. That way I can signal him if need be and it is his job to extract me. I'm not saying it is logical, I'm just saying it works for me.
I went in tonight with certain expectations that were not met. I thought I would be placed in a group, soprano or alto, I was asked where I wanted to sing. Nice for other people but not for me because I don't have a flipping clue where I should be. The only place I sing is in the car and she has never told me how I sing.
Since I've never sung with a choir, I don't read music. I don't hear the differences when they play different keys. Sometimes I do, but I don't know what I need to do to get there. Since I've only just started singing out loud I sound very flat to me. I think I may be tone deaf. People were saying if you stand between two good singers you will naturally adjust to them. Yeah don't think that happened tonight, I'm pretty sure I kept pulling the lady next to me off because she had to have someone sing in her ear. Being an incompetent newbie sucks! Sucks Sucks Sucks!
The worst part is knowing that the only way I will get any better is to keep going back. I don't want to be a better person! I want to be scared lonely me. Damn, no I don't. Thank God there is no practice next week. I will have a week to de-stress myself. I think it will involve yarn and some sticks.
Well I think I vented some frustration there. Did I get any on you? I hope not. Thanks for listening. I will return you to your regularly scheduled programing with the next post. See you then.