Aggressive Pruning; Life Lessons from my Garden

Who knew when I started planting last  year that it would teach me so much. I mean honestly I knew I would learn a bit about growing things but I didn't know it would teach me about growing myself.

I had dianthus looking horrible and thought about pulling them out but with spring and patience they bloomed lovely. I mean honestly they were rocking the patio. Then they started to look bad again I thought about pulling them out again, but just cut back aggressively. Instead of wasting energy trying to support dying stems and blooms they redirected that energy into growing. Now I have a happy little mound of new growth. I am hopeful they will be able to bloom again. It felt good getting rid of sad brown crunchy bits. I could almost hear the new leaves sigh while stretching for the sunshine.

I have been struggling in a position of leadership in a volunteer capacity. I hate it. I never wanted to do it but people looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said it is not that hard, we will support you. Then someone sent me that nasty anonymous letter and put a dent in my armor. And the people "supporting" me, didn't. They listened to my fears and hurt and made a few comforting noises and honestly expected me to get over it in a week. So they took my dented armor away from me.

Have you met my black little introverted heart? I come from pioneer stock I know how to circle the wagons. I could feel myself withdrawing every time I was around these people. I carefully placed every stone back in my introvert wall and closed myself off. I retreated and my wounds turned out to be deeper and they festered. Oh man did I fester. Every time someone said I needed to "get over it" and every time I heard myself ask why can't you get over it...I added another layer of bricks onto my you-can't-hurt-me wall.

The thing is, on the scale of things I know it was not that bad. It was a nasty little letter meant to steal confidence and make the sender feel more powerful. Guess what it worked. It got under my skin and poked holes in my identity, self worth and ego. It ricocheted around my brain and heart. It stole my joy. Yeah I'm tough, but it hit me hard in my soft candy center. One single anonymous letter...fucking bitch. Three little lines implying I was not good enough to some coward unwilling to sign their taunt...fucking bitch. Because if someone could take the time to do this what else are they capable of?Or even doing without me knowing about? And that my friends is how fear grips its icy had around your heart. How do stalkers start? When does it become a war? When does it go from nasty words on a page to harmful actions?

I don't have answers for those questions. I know that things were said behind my back to people. I know emails were deleted before I could read them because "they ruined my weekend." I know that this whole situation was not handled well or correctly by people who said they would support me. I know that I am watching my back.

Last month I took out one of those layers of bricks and sent out a message. I am resigning and retreating. I am going to take care of me and mine. I'm going to allow myself to regrow and bloom. I am cutting you out of my growth cycle. Your branch has been pruned. I am going to give my energy to myself and what I want, because I know that I am worthy!