Yeah that is right I said that. It is simply my truth. I know it sounds cruel, impatient, and horrible. But it is what I am feeling. I've been losing my mom for years now. Actually to be honest I lost her in 2016. That was the first year mom missed my birthday call. She has missed every year since then.
I was convinced she would go that first night after my sister called and said she had a dangerously low heart rate. I was convinced she would be gone by the end of that week. I was convinced she would go after I finished a sock I started when talking to one of my friends about the situation. I think I even knit faster on the sock to help her along. I was convinced she would go after they buried the Queen. We had been Anglophiles together and surely if the Queen went my mom was not far behind. I was convinced she would go when the star blanket was finished. I was convinced when she missed another birthday call. I was convinced she would go on my birthday because she almost died after I was born. I was convinced every time. I kept most of these little deadlines to myself because it seems so cruel to wish your mother dead. But I do. I wish she could be free of pain and return to the person of my memories, except kinder because we remember the good and forget the bad.
I want to stop dreading the phone ringing and feeling bad about someone whose body has not caught up to their mind.
I wish her to let go and be free.
I relate so much to how you are feeling. I had so many of the very same thoughts with my father. It’s a compassionate way of thinking, wanting the pain and anguish to end for your mother. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself by giving yourself whatever you need. I’m here if you want to talk. Much love. XO
ReplyDeleteThanks for being there for me last night.
DeleteI understand. {{{hug}}}
ReplyDeleteThank you I needed the hugs.
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