Looking Forward by Looking Back

It is hard to escape your future no matter how hard you run, you simply turn a corner at it is waiting there for you. Probably best if we would invite it in to sit and chat with our friends. At least we could enjoy our friends and not be out alone and desperately running. Heck we may even be able to have a nice cup of tea.

I thought 2016 was a doozie. 2017 treated us like it a chew toy too. I may have some wear and tear, but I feel stronger and loved. It is a funny lonely feeling sitting bedside in a hospital room. It is even worse when the bed and its patient are not there either. I knew I had to be strong for him and especially strong for myself. When I fall to pieces all that remains are shards, sharp nasty little shards.

I used to worry that was denying myself the comfort of shattering, it is a great way to relieve pressure. Lord knows the pressure I was under. It could have been so much worse. I still tell myself that a year later, mostly because it is still true. We heard what so much worse sounded like in the room next to ours. I've never prayed so hard as when they kept calling out "No Pulse." They did get her pulse back and sent her to surgery immediately. I don't know if she survived and I've decided I don't want to. To me she will always be alive and on her way to a successful surgery. That is one story where I will insist on my own ending.

But as scary and lonely as an empty hospital room is, I oddly was very comforted by the messages of support we received via internet and text. I could feel strong hands supporting us. Never underestimate the power of good wishes, positive thoughts and prayers.

I still don't know how I made it through those weeks, probably never will. But I do know how many helped and that I was not alone even when I was alone.

We recently took the lady that called me and held D's hand while he was laying in extreme pain in the street, out to dinner. It was beyond interesting to hear another side of the story. He remembers desperately trying to pull himself off the tracks, and feeling like no one was there to help him. The lady explained they were all running towards him, they had just not made it there yet. All those people coming to help. Time it is different when you're laying in the street.

I guess the glue that I held myself together with is mostly set. I find myself leaking a lot. Especially after losing Dad. But I'm an even prettier vase now, I have character!