Managing Grief

Earlier this year I was thinking of what to knit. I was looking for something that I would not have to think too much about. I knit a bunch of socks and one of the things I adore about knitting them is that I can just go round and round with them. It is blissfully mindless. Some may call it meditative.

I told you I was planning and planning sometimes requires purchasing. 

I had found Viajante a while back. It looked a bit like a lovely huge sock, but not like a sock. More like a shawl/poncho/cowl combo that knits up similar to a sock. Round and round but never boring. My first laceweight project, plenty of meditation time.

I pulled out the supplies and did a bit of planning when Mom started to let go. I knew travel would be coming and I knew there would be a lot of people and feelings. I needed something to do with with my hands and my feelings. I needed an outlet.

I started to knit and realized I needed to go up a few sizes in needles. I'm a tight knitter to begin with and stress and worry does not make any of us loose and relaxed.

Mellie and Burt helped me to sort out my anxiety and grief. Mellie took a lot of the beginning shifts. She is an excellent girl, My Mellie.

The shawl grew slowly through my trip home to say goodbye. It grew in airports and cars and homes.

I was asked if I was nervous was that why I was knitting? I was asked what I was knitting and tried to explain. What I should have said was I was knitting my grief away. I was knitting for calm and peace. I was knitting to help me say goodbye.

Burt was here to welcome me home and provide his comfort. He only left my lap when I needed to get up. Burt my personal grief counselor. My boy knows how to rumble healing into a body.

And now the shawl continues with my healing. I'm on my last ball of yarn but I'm sure I will be happy to wear my light but huge shawl to comfort myself once it is done. Sometimes we knit for fun, sometimes for companionship, most of the time for comfort, whatever the reason our knitting is there for us as we are there for the ones we love.

Remembering Mom

It is odd the way grief and loss hit you. 

I was in the kitchen  few days ago puttering around and realized how happy it made me because I feel closer to mom when I am in there. I love warming up the house and making it smell good with baking and cooking. I get my want to take care of others by feeding them from her. We will not tackle how Food = Love is not a great basis for healthy eating another day. 

D came home from the trip feeling a bit off. It was very cold while we were there and we were not prepared. We bounced from house to house and despite other's best efforts to make us feel welcome and at home, the strain and stress took its toll. I admitted defeat every day for the first three we were back home. I was wiped out, exhausted and dehydrated. I missed home and my kitties. I was dealing with grief and loss. I was so far off my game it hurt. D promised me a nice quiet weekend and a fair bit of staying home and no other people for me. As nice as it is to see family I needed some serious recharging. Alas the first day back he found something that required a trip to the hardware store. Guess he had been missing home and once he was back he was ready to finish tasks that would make it better. 

I grudgingly went with him to Burt's dismay, and my own. We stopped into Costco to pick up stuff for a birthday feast too. Back to the house to finish up the project but we both got distracted and didn't think of it again till we went to bed early. Oh wait I managed to wedge in a nap that day to restore my human status. D puttered around is awesome garage work space and I knit and recharged. I need to tell you about the best project I could have picked for the trip too.

While we were back for Mom's service my aunt's house went from Halloween to Christmas. I giggled to myself and thought it was too early. Once we were home we both looked at each other and said why not? Too early be damned. If I want to put up colorful lights, I get to put up colorful lights. So we went off to get me more colorful lights. Burt resigned himself to the loss of lap time, but recharged once he saw the tree and lights going up. I keep looking up at them and feeling better.

I'll tell you more once I get my thoughts all in the same group. But for now I wanted to let you know we're doing OK.