Care

 My feline care team are in action. My mom passed on Friday.

Blankie Saga - The Ending

Let's talk about something that may not send me off into a crying jag, shall we?

The Blankie has been completed. One thing that struck me finally is how much the colors match my funky rooster. I mean seriously it is like we were using it as a color palette. No Auntie H you do not get Randolph the Rooster too!!! 

Once completed I had to lay it all out for inspection and approval. Mellie immediately gave it a thorough inspection. Auntie H has given us the left over yarn so Mellie may get a smaller one of her own. But not yet I am not ready to tackle another one so soon.

Burt wanted to check colors against Randolph to verify the palette even though I told him we didn't intend for that to happen.

One thing I will do for Mellie's blankie is make sure to mark which is the right side. I didn't think it was noticeable till I was a few stars in and the bright and dark didn't quite mesh as well. Live and learn right? I mean knitters choice; I was totally doing that as a design element to show off how the colors contrast?!

I bask in my knitterly glory for a week or so. Then laid it out for one last pic before sending it off to washer/dryer land. Mellie of course is a dependable inspector and gave it final approval.

It made it through washer/dryer land with flying colors so I let the New Mexico sun give it a kiss and finish off the drying. Plus it made an excellent flag for a bit.

 

So I seem to be channeling my feelings into my knitting but this is the end of this saga. I have a bunch of new things on my needles and more finished stuff to eventually show you but I need to get this off in the mail soon.

Seeking comfort

I meant to post a happy post to let us all know I'm dealing with my mom situation OK. Can't quite do that today. I'm OK but it is not fun living each day like it could be your mom's last. And being a little disappointed each day when it is not. 

 Yeah that is right I said that. It is simply my truth. I know it sounds cruel, impatient, and horrible. But it is what I am feeling. I've been losing my mom for years now. Actually to be honest I lost her in 2016. That was the first year mom missed my birthday call. She has missed every year since then.

I was convinced she would go that first night after my sister called and said she had a dangerously low heart rate. I was convinced she would be gone by the end of that week. I was convinced she would go after I finished a sock I started when talking to one of my friends about the situation. I think I even knit faster on the sock to help her along. I was convinced she would go after they buried the Queen. We had been Anglophiles together and surely if the Queen went my mom was not far behind. I was convinced she would go when the star blanket was finished. I was convinced when she missed another birthday call. I was convinced she would go on my birthday because she almost died after I was born. I was convinced every time. I kept most of these little deadlines to myself because it seems so cruel to wish your mother dead. But I do. I wish she could be free of pain and return to the person of my memories, except kinder because we remember the good and forget the bad. 

I want to stop dreading the phone ringing and feeling bad about someone whose body has not caught up to their mind. 

I wish her to let go and be free.