Some Things Never Change

This year was a hard year full of twists and changes. I'm happy we got through it together and overall happily. There was a rush to finish Hubby's Christmas socks. But considering I started them in December it was not too bad. I was distracted by the two very big things I knit and finished. I will not complete my self imposed 12 pairs of socks this year. I did manage to eek out 11 pairs and cast on two more. Hey that shawl was like knitting several pairs of socks. I just went round and round and round, just like socks. It was the task and balm I need to work through Mom's passing. I'm still thanking past me for having the foresight to recognize what I would need before I needed it. And to buy the right yarn and have it here ready... past me rocks! 

Present me is doing what I do every year end twitching with excitement planning all the fun things I can knit in the coming year. I always like to plan and organize my knitting even if it never makes it past the planning. It is more about the possibilities of what my knitting holds for the year. This year I did a mild stash tosh under the guise of organizing my new Rhinebeck room. Most of my yarn is still in vacuum bags and water proof containers from the move. But now most of the sock yarn is properly organized in smaller boxes with brands tucked safely together. I feel so accomplished having most of my sock yarn stacked in a corner for easy perusal. See how planning helps me love my stash even more?

I managed to get photo evidence of my 11th pair of socks for the year so I would remember I do this for joy and not for pressure.

I remembered how nice it is to have tools to help keep track of my knitting. What a fun assortment. A nice way to mark our first year here by getting some cacti and chiles.

My 12th pair of 2022 to carry over into 2023 because knitting may lag but it is always needed and appreciated by me. I'm knitting Lemongrass Tea colored yarn into the My Cup of Tea sock pattern by Robin Lynn. So I guess I will be starting off the year as I intend to carry on with it.

Happy knitting in 2023. 

Not a Doggie Door Thank You Very Much

Momma are you sure this will work?

Oh you're holding the outer door open for me?

Get ready world I am going outside!

It is better when you hold it open for me. I don't have to smush my face against it.

Yes this way is much better.

You're right it is a portal to freedom!

Managing Grief

Earlier this year I was thinking of what to knit. I was looking for something that I would not have to think too much about. I knit a bunch of socks and one of the things I adore about knitting them is that I can just go round and round with them. It is blissfully mindless. Some may call it meditative.

I told you I was planning and planning sometimes requires purchasing. 

I had found Viajante a while back. It looked a bit like a lovely huge sock, but not like a sock. More like a shawl/poncho/cowl combo that knits up similar to a sock. Round and round but never boring. My first laceweight project, plenty of meditation time.

I pulled out the supplies and did a bit of planning when Mom started to let go. I knew travel would be coming and I knew there would be a lot of people and feelings. I needed something to do with with my hands and my feelings. I needed an outlet.

I started to knit and realized I needed to go up a few sizes in needles. I'm a tight knitter to begin with and stress and worry does not make any of us loose and relaxed.

Mellie and Burt helped me to sort out my anxiety and grief. Mellie took a lot of the beginning shifts. She is an excellent girl, My Mellie.

The shawl grew slowly through my trip home to say goodbye. It grew in airports and cars and homes.

I was asked if I was nervous was that why I was knitting? I was asked what I was knitting and tried to explain. What I should have said was I was knitting my grief away. I was knitting for calm and peace. I was knitting to help me say goodbye.

Burt was here to welcome me home and provide his comfort. He only left my lap when I needed to get up. Burt my personal grief counselor. My boy knows how to rumble healing into a body.

And now the shawl continues with my healing. I'm on my last ball of yarn but I'm sure I will be happy to wear my light but huge shawl to comfort myself once it is done. Sometimes we knit for fun, sometimes for companionship, most of the time for comfort, whatever the reason our knitting is there for us as we are there for the ones we love.

Remembering Mom

It is odd the way grief and loss hit you. 

I was in the kitchen  few days ago puttering around and realized how happy it made me because I feel closer to mom when I am in there. I love warming up the house and making it smell good with baking and cooking. I get my want to take care of others by feeding them from her. We will not tackle how Food = Love is not a great basis for healthy eating another day. 

D came home from the trip feeling a bit off. It was very cold while we were there and we were not prepared. We bounced from house to house and despite other's best efforts to make us feel welcome and at home, the strain and stress took its toll. I admitted defeat every day for the first three we were back home. I was wiped out, exhausted and dehydrated. I missed home and my kitties. I was dealing with grief and loss. I was so far off my game it hurt. D promised me a nice quiet weekend and a fair bit of staying home and no other people for me. As nice as it is to see family I needed some serious recharging. Alas the first day back he found something that required a trip to the hardware store. Guess he had been missing home and once he was back he was ready to finish tasks that would make it better. 

I grudgingly went with him to Burt's dismay, and my own. We stopped into Costco to pick up stuff for a birthday feast too. Back to the house to finish up the project but we both got distracted and didn't think of it again till we went to bed early. Oh wait I managed to wedge in a nap that day to restore my human status. D puttered around is awesome garage work space and I knit and recharged. I need to tell you about the best project I could have picked for the trip too.

While we were back for Mom's service my aunt's house went from Halloween to Christmas. I giggled to myself and thought it was too early. Once we were home we both looked at each other and said why not? Too early be damned. If I want to put up colorful lights, I get to put up colorful lights. So we went off to get me more colorful lights. Burt resigned himself to the loss of lap time, but recharged once he saw the tree and lights going up. I keep looking up at them and feeling better.

I'll tell you more once I get my thoughts all in the same group. But for now I wanted to let you know we're doing OK.

 

Care

 My feline care team are in action. My mom passed on Friday.

Blankie Saga - The Ending

Let's talk about something that may not send me off into a crying jag, shall we?

The Blankie has been completed. One thing that struck me finally is how much the colors match my funky rooster. I mean seriously it is like we were using it as a color palette. No Auntie H you do not get Randolph the Rooster too!!! 

Once completed I had to lay it all out for inspection and approval. Mellie immediately gave it a thorough inspection. Auntie H has given us the left over yarn so Mellie may get a smaller one of her own. But not yet I am not ready to tackle another one so soon.

Burt wanted to check colors against Randolph to verify the palette even though I told him we didn't intend for that to happen.

One thing I will do for Mellie's blankie is make sure to mark which is the right side. I didn't think it was noticeable till I was a few stars in and the bright and dark didn't quite mesh as well. Live and learn right? I mean knitters choice; I was totally doing that as a design element to show off how the colors contrast?!

I bask in my knitterly glory for a week or so. Then laid it out for one last pic before sending it off to washer/dryer land. Mellie of course is a dependable inspector and gave it final approval.

It made it through washer/dryer land with flying colors so I let the New Mexico sun give it a kiss and finish off the drying. Plus it made an excellent flag for a bit.

 

So I seem to be channeling my feelings into my knitting but this is the end of this saga. I have a bunch of new things on my needles and more finished stuff to eventually show you but I need to get this off in the mail soon.

Seeking comfort

I meant to post a happy post to let us all know I'm dealing with my mom situation OK. Can't quite do that today. I'm OK but it is not fun living each day like it could be your mom's last. And being a little disappointed each day when it is not. 

 Yeah that is right I said that. It is simply my truth. I know it sounds cruel, impatient, and horrible. But it is what I am feeling. I've been losing my mom for years now. Actually to be honest I lost her in 2016. That was the first year mom missed my birthday call. She has missed every year since then.

I was convinced she would go that first night after my sister called and said she had a dangerously low heart rate. I was convinced she would be gone by the end of that week. I was convinced she would go after I finished a sock I started when talking to one of my friends about the situation. I think I even knit faster on the sock to help her along. I was convinced she would go after they buried the Queen. We had been Anglophiles together and surely if the Queen went my mom was not far behind. I was convinced she would go when the star blanket was finished. I was convinced when she missed another birthday call. I was convinced she would go on my birthday because she almost died after I was born. I was convinced every time. I kept most of these little deadlines to myself because it seems so cruel to wish your mother dead. But I do. I wish she could be free of pain and return to the person of my memories, except kinder because we remember the good and forget the bad. 

I want to stop dreading the phone ringing and feeling bad about someone whose body has not caught up to their mind. 

I wish her to let go and be free.